My baby and my baby

I am really missing my baby today...my 11 year-old baby. I keep thinking about his laugh, his silly dancing, showing off his skateboarding skills, how he entertains "sissy", how his room smelled (yup, I miss the 11 year-old boy smell), the sound of him practicing his guitar in his room past bedtime, his prayers, his smile, his hugs and rare snuggles, and his no-nonsense way of telling me his opinions.

The Lord is putting him through a test right now, and I know he'll come out on top. I worry that he doesn't have a true priesthood influence in his home and I know he's starting to feel the emptiness of that absence. I pray that he still says his prayers at night, which he's been so diligent about since he was just 2 or 3 years old. I pray that he's opening his scriptures and reading them and remembering the brave young men in the stories.

I know he's having a good time with new friends and he's acing his school tests. He seems to be happier in that sense. I try to arrange sleepovers with my parents as often as possible, mostly on Saturdays so he can attend church with them. He's told me he wants to come back home after school's out. Last time I spoke to him he said now he's still thinking about it. I am glad he's spending time with his siblings and dad and many other family members but I pray every day that he will want to come home. Things just aren't the same without my baby boy.

My baby baby (unborn) is still the cause of so much uncertainty for me. I've decided to opt out of the maternal serum analyte screening that will be offered to me at my appointment today. I'm 15 weeks and I cannot even fathom putting my child at a higher risk of miscarriage or injury if the test leads to an amniocentesis. I feel if the Lord is going to bless me with a special needs child I will love and care for him/her the same whether the outcome is known now or later. I put my baby at any higher risk than it is already. I just want to hear a strong heartbeat today and know that in a few weeks we'll be finding out what our little babe will be and know more from an ultrasound instead of an invasive procedure.

A few nights ago I had a dream that I delivered, prematurely, a baby boy. He was so small, but perfect, and was healthy. He had brown eyes and wisps of dark brown hair. Perhaps just a dream...but it gave me comfort.

San Diego

Here are some pics of our "trip" to San Diego last week. Mike had an appointment at the Naval Hospital down there so we decided to make an overnight trip out of it. His appointment was at 0530 so we went down the night before and then headed to the zoo after we checked out the next day. It was rainy, but so green and smelly and finally enjoyable for Mattea, who is now old enough to understand what she's seeing in each display. Her favorites were the ducks and monkeys. Right when we got to the zoo it started POURING rain so we had to go straight to the gift shop, buy an umbrella and a poncho, and braved the downpour. It only rained a little on and off after that, but poor Mattea was covered in the plastic poncho for more than half of the time.

I got a call today from the OB doc that saw me Friday. Yes, this doctor called me on a Sunday, actually 4 times before reaching me, to share with me initial results from my donations at the lab two days ago. Never, in my Army or civi experience, have I had a doctor go that out of their way for me. The Lord truly blessed me with these four days I've had with Dr. Patton, who unfortunately leaves tomorrow to go back to Fort Lewis. At this point, ever doc I've encountered from that post has been amazing. Kind of makes me picture this Emerald City-esque medical facility there where you walk in and are whisked away, fixed up, and your wildest wishes are granted.

Anyway, before I forget what he said, I'm going to get it all down on "paper". So, the initial liver tests that could be run on post came back normal. The trickier liver tests were sent away to the "special place" in Los Angeles and won't be back for about another week. That's the good news. The bad news, or not really bad but frustrating news, is that my HcG levels are very high. Much higher than normal, especially at this stage of my pregnancy when that hormone is supposed to decrease dramatically. Hence...feeling better in second trimester. Not so much for me apparently!

According to my "wizard", these high levels of HcG can be caused by the placenta not being ideally attached or not attached in an ideal location. This can also overstimulate the thyroid gland, causing the hives and welts all over my body. Hmm...makes sense so far. If this is the case, my baby is at high risk and its growth will need to be monitored closely. I would also be at risk for preterm delivery and bleeding issues. If you're grossed out at this point, stop reading. I'm very "ok" with being open about what is happening right now so if you don't want to know...don't read.

Rarely, these levels of HcG can indicate a genetic disorder such as Down's Syndrome. He encouraged me to reconsider taking the Maternal Serum Analyte at my next appointment. This is not normally a test I advocate for. I don't like the false positivies it creates, however under these circumstances it will definitely be something I will be praying a lot about until then.

In any case, I've realized this is in God's hands. There isn't anything, as a mother, that I can do to help this situation except take the best care of myself as possible, try to be patient, and pray until my knees are raw. You're more than welcome to join me on that one if you'd like.