16 June 2010

I'm on his radar...

My son Tate has always had me on his radar. I can't do anything or even think anything without him knowing. We are connected. I've never been able to fool him. When I put on my best act, he's always seen through to the worst mood or saddest emotion, even as a toddler.

I still remember strolling him through Target (or was it Wal-Mart?) and at the age of 3 he saw through my smile yet again. It was one of the worst times of my life. I was going through a divorce with his father, lived back at home with my parents, and had lost many friends in the mix. My therapy, as always, was shopping and that day I had brought him with me. I didn't normally do that in an effort to avoid bringing half the toy aisles home with me, but I needed him that day.

He looked up at me with his big brown eyes and floofy afro and patted my arm while saying "Its ok Mommy, its going to be ok.". I hadn't said a word. In fact I had just been looking around the store while heading to the...yep, you guessed it...toy section. He just knew.

Today he knew, too. He knows what I'm going through right now, although I haven't actually sat him down and explained in detail. I should do that. He knew this morning I needed a lift and these short video clips are just a couple of examples of how he emerged from his "boy cave" to rescue his poor Mother who had reached her limit at only a few hours into the morning. I love my son more than I can describe.

Little Pink Pills

Yep...I take them. Yep I need to. Unless of course my family wants me to stay curled up in bed, fend for themselves when it comes to meals and snacks, wear dirty clothing, and hear me ROAR.

Am I embarrassed? No. Oh that's a LIE! Yes, I'm embarrassed. Everyone including my doctor has told me not to be. Can't help it. Its something I have to work through. Why am I posting it to a public blog if I'm so embarrassed about it? I want other MAH's to know that they aren't the only ones holding it together using the pink pill glue. I want you other MOPP's (moms on pink pills) to know that in certain seasons of our lives life is tough. Too tough to manage on our own. That in itself does not consitute swallowing the oval every day. True mental illness, however, coupled with these tough times in our lives does. Mental illness runs in my family. I was destined to deal with it. First through watching my own family members struggle, then doing it myself. Sharing with others is theraputic to me, albeit difficult. Thus, there will be more posts involving post-partum depression, depression, and anxiety and how I deal, don't deal, struggle, or conquer.

For the sake of me needing to chuckle about my day instead of cry, I'll share these with you.

Here are some pictures of contributing factors to my daily ingestion of the little pink pillow.

Yes, that is dog piddle. No worries, it was promptly cleaned up and the floor was mopped. But I'm just sayin'.....

This is the madness I call the living room...five minutes after cleaning it.

And this is me...in my best moment of the day. I am clothed, my hair is out of my face, my teeth are brushed, my children clothed and fed and nap time is around the corner. I will survive this day.