My baby and my baby

I am really missing my baby today...my 11 year-old baby. I keep thinking about his laugh, his silly dancing, showing off his skateboarding skills, how he entertains "sissy", how his room smelled (yup, I miss the 11 year-old boy smell), the sound of him practicing his guitar in his room past bedtime, his prayers, his smile, his hugs and rare snuggles, and his no-nonsense way of telling me his opinions.

The Lord is putting him through a test right now, and I know he'll come out on top. I worry that he doesn't have a true priesthood influence in his home and I know he's starting to feel the emptiness of that absence. I pray that he still says his prayers at night, which he's been so diligent about since he was just 2 or 3 years old. I pray that he's opening his scriptures and reading them and remembering the brave young men in the stories.

I know he's having a good time with new friends and he's acing his school tests. He seems to be happier in that sense. I try to arrange sleepovers with my parents as often as possible, mostly on Saturdays so he can attend church with them. He's told me he wants to come back home after school's out. Last time I spoke to him he said now he's still thinking about it. I am glad he's spending time with his siblings and dad and many other family members but I pray every day that he will want to come home. Things just aren't the same without my baby boy.

My baby baby (unborn) is still the cause of so much uncertainty for me. I've decided to opt out of the maternal serum analyte screening that will be offered to me at my appointment today. I'm 15 weeks and I cannot even fathom putting my child at a higher risk of miscarriage or injury if the test leads to an amniocentesis. I feel if the Lord is going to bless me with a special needs child I will love and care for him/her the same whether the outcome is known now or later. I put my baby at any higher risk than it is already. I just want to hear a strong heartbeat today and know that in a few weeks we'll be finding out what our little babe will be and know more from an ultrasound instead of an invasive procedure.

A few nights ago I had a dream that I delivered, prematurely, a baby boy. He was so small, but perfect, and was healthy. He had brown eyes and wisps of dark brown hair. Perhaps just a dream...but it gave me comfort.