03 July 2011

Falls

Many falls have taken place lately. Starting out with my children, who cannot seem to STOP falling. Gunnar seems to tumble to his knees or face several times per day. Mattea, well, she is nearly constantly falling to her knees, running into things, tumbling down stairs, etc. In fact, in church today, I think we set a record between the two of them knocking their heads on the pew in front of us. This translates into me spending the majority of the meeting in the hallway wiping tears.

We moved to Cedar Falls. Yet another pin on our map of annual to semi-annual jaunts across county lines and zip codes. This may or may not be a permanent move. Of course, since the zip code does not fall within the state of CO, I am hoping it is temporary. My heart, our hearts, are set on settling down within the safe, beautiful triple digits of 719 or 303. Either would suit me just fine.

My husband and I have also experienced a type of fall. We are learning, much too late in life, that we get an "epic fail" in the budget category. Don't shake your head in judgment, dear reader. I know many people I am close to that are coming to the realization that "all those years" they thought they knew how to manage their money...well, they didn't. We are not bankrupt, we are not past due on our bills, and we have a roof over our heads, clothes on our back, and food in our really cool "elite" refridgerator. We are ok. But I am constantly reminded, quietly yet harshly, by that still, small voice that we have not managed as best we could and that IT IS TIME to get it together. Thus, my return to work...

Four years I've been away from the working world. I've been raising my children, managing my household, supporting my husband, serving in the church, and healing my body and mind. Nope, I have not been lazy, although some would disagree...to my face. Unfortunately society does not see a Mother and housewife as a job anymore. It is merely something that "those spoiled women" get to do. Nonsense is my reply. Call me old fashioned, but I tend to agree that a woman should raise her own children, not pay someone else to do it. However, I'm also realistic and understand there are, and sympathize with, women that have to work to provide a second income. I used to be, and now am again, one of those women. Chastize me if you will for expressing my opinions, but may I remind you they are my own opinions, you don't have to make them yours, nor do you have to write me off because of them. It will kill me inside to leave my children with someone else, but in many ways I'm ready to do it. I'm tired of struggling financially, always riding the brink. I've tried to supplement our income in ways I could stay home and again, as my former youth group would say, epically failed. Jewelry wouldn't sell, thus I couldn't further myself in making even more radical pieces...because the money wasn't there. Babysitting fizzled as I realized I wasn't cut out to raise other people's children. Transcription was a waste of my time because I to this day have not found a place to hire me to work from home, even after torturing myself with the useless home study transcription school courses. So I will get up, fall in line, go through the motions, and march back home again every day (picture a line of ants, brainlessly hauling and heaving other dead insects back to the pile) to get ahead and get right those things I should've done differently. Since I cannot say my name is Dr. Wright, and that would be my own fault for setting school aside when I had the chance, I will perform mundane tasks in order to collect pennies in order to send those pennies off to someone else and all the while look forward to the day when I can feel as if I've paid my dues and can return to my home where I belong. Dramatic, you say? I call it reality.

In any case, change is constant. As the old saying goes, I pray for the serenity to accept the things I absolutely cannot change. I need buckets of courage to change the things I can and I'm running short on wisdom because I keep fighting battles I can't win. I guess that's why we do pray, then. It keeps us thinking and eventually, with His help, we figure things out.

You picking up what I'm throwing down?

4 comments:

Sylwia said...

i highly recommend dave ramsey's total money make over. i always thought i was good with money unitl i read his book. i had my whole family take his financial peace university and i must say we have a lot more financial peace. and by the way, he is all about stay at home mothers. though he does recommend workk to get yourself out of the hole. his advice is so simple and practical and worth doing. it may help you anlong your way. i bet they have his book at the library. good luck.

The Reay Family said...

You are so right in so many levels! I have struggled with the idea of work, school, self fufillment, etc. I have wondered so many times, if my kids would be better off if raised by someone else, yet I have done that which I considered to be "right". I follow my mother's footsteps. She was a stay at home mom. I am not always happy being a stay home mom. Sometimes I think I would make a greater impact in my family's life if I could work and worry less about retirement, college funds, and emergency money. I admire you for putting it so eloquently.
You wrote exactly what I feel. thanks you for putting in words what is constantly in my mind.

Jen Ralston said...

Thank you

fowkes5 said...

I understand your situation. Hence the reason I am working 2 part-time jobs. No judgement here!

:)

Laura