Mass Emotion

Ugh...I just read one of my sister's blog posts and I'm totally depressed. We both tried out a new budget this month in our families. She, apparently, is doing outstanding with hers. I am completely opposite. It seems like every time I try to stick to a budget in this household, some kind of unexpected expenses come flying out of nowhere at us and we're taking cover, only able to fight back by dipping into accounts we don't wanna dip in to!

We live in a very remote location on a military post. My options for grocery shopping are ... the commissary. The lovely commissary with its half rotted produce, limited meat selection, and the lack of ability to keep anything stocked most of the time! I can always drive 34 miles to the nearest town and grocery shop there, but then I have to spend an additonal $25 in gas to get there and back on top of the grocery bill. I don't get a Sunday paper so I never have coupons to pair up with specials that any store might be having. We aren't given COLA to help compensate for our location and the sickening expenses involved in getting anywhere. I'm spitting mad, also, that the Army will pay civilian contractors and employees at least twice what it pays its own soldiers. They expect an E6 to live off a salary that, in a civilian lifestyle, would put us under. In a military lifestyle, it allows us to barely break even every month.

Sometimes envy can be a monster. It can be all consuming. Sometimes my envy of other people (in this case, my sister) drags me down to a point that is hard to come back from. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of never feeling like I'm making progress on anything. I'm just tired.

I consciously try to not always be negative in my posts on this blog. I don't want readers to feel like being a military family is a bad thing and we're always unhappy and stressed and broke. The reality of it is, when I'm feeling low like this, my desire to blog is at its highest. I need to work on blogging when positive things happen around me or when funny things happen around me.

I feel like our lives are on the verge of change. I have often felt like this before. I felt it when we first came into the military, before we knew all the details. I felt it before I got pregnant. I have felt it before major changes physically, monetarily and with our careers. I hang on to that feeling, because usually, I have found, it means the Lord is going to bless us with something we need. Its a small beacon of light ahead of me I can stay focused on. Its the only positive anxiety one can feel. I'm ready for change again, whatever it might be that is coming our way.