This is quite possibly the "biggest" blog post of my life. Since this is my online journal, and I don't mind all of you reading it, I don't doubt that you might cringe or even place judgment when you read it...that is, if you know my history and family. I won't be giving backround on any of that, it exhausts me.

My son is going to be making a big change in his life. Shortly after we moved to California, my son (who started out loving it here) fell into a depression. He, to this day, is unhappy, rarely laughs, doesn't play much anymore, is nearly failing fifth grade, and is indifferent to myself and my husband. I went through stages of thinking I knew it all and diagnosed it as "just moved", "normal nearly 11 year-old boy stuff", "just misses (real) home", etc. When I realized he was a handful of incomplete homework assignments away from being held back in fifth grade I realized it was much more than I thought. I sought out advice from everyone possible and convinced myself that whatever they told me they thought it was, was good enough for me.

A few nights ago I got an answer to the prayer I've prayed daily since the "dark ages" began with Tate. My answer was that it was ok to let him go live in Iowa with his dad. After several days now of emotional torture, I've come to terms with the fact that, even though I don't like the answer or wasn't ready for it, God knows best for my son.

I cannot continue to deny my son's father the opportunity to be exactly that...a father. For 11 years I've clung to my son and protected him (or so I thought) from everything I ever thought would hurt him. Now I realize I was "protecting" him from things that hurt me, not just him, and it is now that I understand that forgiveness, understanding and love are a commandment from God and that doesn't exclude people I choose.

Tate will be entering a loving home with four half-siblings that he loves to pieces, dogs that are "perfect", a father that has waited years for this chance to be an active part of his son's life, and a step-mother who adores him. Although their lives might be led a little differently than ours, mostly in a religious aspect, I know that I can trust my son to be strong. The foundation I've built for him the past several years is enough. That was my answer. What I've done is enough that he will be ok. He will be able to reconnect with three sets of grandparents and countless cousins, aunts and uncles that miss him dearly.

This will take an emotional toll on myself, my husband and my daughter, however we're doing our best to prepare ourselves. One of the wonderful things about the technology that our Heavenly Father has blessed us with, is that it will enable us to see, hear, laugh with, pray with, even watch a movie with our son even from thousands of miles away. I've never had a bigger test of faith in my life. But I cannot deny the power of prayer and the influence of the Holy Spirit who answers for our Father. I know my Tater will be watched over by those around him and those around him he cannot see. He's been given the gift of the Holy Ghost who will influence him for good and guide him every day. I'm at peace.