I never heard back from the counseling service that one of the OB doctors referred me to. Someone had left me a message on my cell phone and I called back and left her a message as well letting her know I was going to my family doctor to get a prescription for a medication to help me, but that I still wanted to hear back from her because I was interested in therapy as well. She never called back. My family doctor was great, listened to me, understood what I was saying (that I know my body, I know when I need help, etc.) and she prescribed me Zoloft and encouraged me to go ahead with the therapy. I will if they ever call me back again.

I started taking the Zoloft 6 days ago and I can already tell a slight difference. There has been a slight edge taken off my anxiety, I'm not as mad as my dogs (which doesn't sound like much, but is HUGE) for me, and I don't get as upset when my two-year-old acts out. Tomorrow I start taking a full pill (half-pills for the first week). I anticipate things only getting better.

I was nervous at first to take a medicine while breastfeeding, but I know that I wouldn't have been able to continue doing even that had I not done this. I appreciate hearing from so many people that read my blog of their experiences or support for me with this.

The Blues?

I was torn about posting this on this particular blog of mine (I have another blog that is my private journal) because I didn't want anyone thinking badly of me or becoming too worried, but I actually hope that someone reading it might have a comment to make about how they might've experienced the same thing or just their thoughts (that'd be an invitation to comment!)

I love my children. I live for them and my family. Everything I do revolves around them and every decision I make is aimed toward their benefit. With that being said, I am experiencing something I've never felt before.

I talked to my doc about post partum depression. I think I am experiencing it. Its a different type of depressed/anxious feeling than I've felt before. I have a history of depression/anxiety and have taken medicine and even been to therapy in the past, so I know I'm prone to have this happen. I feel disconnected from the kids in a certain way that I haven't experienced before. I feel like I don't even want to pay attention to them unless they need something. This is so wrong and it makes me feel like an awful person! Its an enormous effort to even get breakfast going, smile and laugh with them, get down on the floor and play and interact, etc. Sometimes I'll be in such a "fog" that I'll realize all of a sudden that the baby is screaming and Mattea has the living room torn apart and I won't even really remember what I've been doing. He of course asked me if I felt like hurting the kids or myself and I DO NOT feel that way. I told him I sometimes picture bad things happening to them and then worry that those things might actually come true (this would be the anxiety manifesting itself). He said he didn't want to put me on any medicine yet, that he'd like me to try a counseling service that he knew of. I'm supposed to be getting a phone call from them today to set something up. I tend to seek help for things and then back out because I'm afraid I'm just imaginging things happening to me or I convince myself I can get over it on my own, but this is different. I still feel that urge because that is just my pattern or habit, but I'm trying to resist it. I can't have my children's memories of me be of a shell of a person that never laughed, played, acted silly, helped out, served them breakfast, etc. I want their memories to be fun, loving and lasting of me. I hope I can figure something out.

The Mall

In the mall today, Mattea and Gunnar and I stopped for some water and a cookie. We sat down outside of Younkers to eat our snack and rest and a group of teens resembling darkly decorated toothpicks came and took up the opposite half of the small seating area outside of the snack stand. They commenced their convo about depression and ADHD medicine and my jaw about dropped when nearly all of them (I think there were six of them) named the depression med they take (or resist taking). One kid named the ADHD med he stopped taking because it made him depressed, then followed by naming the depression medicine he takes as a chaser and THEN followed by saying he wants to take the same kind of depression medicine his Mom takes because she hallucinated once as a side effect.

Then I'm in Von Maur on my quest to find Gunnar a white dress shirt for his blessing on Sunday, and I had to back up the stroller in a narrow isle to get to a display of clothing. As I backed up, I passed a pillar that was covered in mirrors. Of course, I didn't realize this at first, and when I saw my reflection in the mirror (or what I thought was another shopper) I caught myself as I started to apologize and excuse myself for almost running her down. This still makes me laugh...

See ya in 2 years...

So husband is a full-time college student now. Being the go-getter that he is, he enrolled at ISU taking a full class load plus an extra class at a community college to work on his foreign language requirement in a smaller environment. Oops.... I think we both so badly want to get this degree done for him that we may have overloaded by poor hubby by at least one class. The other night I jokingly told him I'd see him in a couple of years, meaning he is so bogged down with homework and is gone from 0630 until at least 1900 5 nights a week (and loaded with homework the other nights/days), that I feel as if we've forgotten each other. It seems we are zombie roommates who happen to have three children in the same household that belong to us. I know he feels disconnected from us as a family and I feel bad for him. On the other hand, we remind ourselves that he has waited many, many years to have this opportunity and after months of prayer, we knew as we walked out of Uncle Sam's door, that this was what needed to happen in this season of our lives.

I'm so proud of my husband. Even before we were married, he has been willing to put us first. Our family and our well being has always been his priority. I can't count the numberless times he turned down invitations from buddies to hang out, go shooting, play golf, etc. because there were things to be done around the house and he knew he could help. Most times he just wanted to be home playing with the kids, tinkering in the garage, working out, or going places as a family. With as bogged down as he is with school right now, he still has time to come home and help do the dishes or laundry and always always always makes sure he has his bedtime routine with our daughter. He gathers us together every day for a family prayer and wants badly to be able to have the time to serve at church. I know that because of his desire, the Lord will bless him and he'll be given the opportunity to serve, whether its in an assigned calling at church or in random situations that come about.

I truly feel like the luckiest woman on the planet to have him as a husband. I know after these couple of years fly by (because they definitely will), our lives will become much simpler as he moves into a career, we put down our "roots" after all this time, and life settles down a bit. I just love knowing that we have amazing children, we love each other, we have been blessed with those things we need to get by, and we are an eternal family. This makes life rich.