I was torn about posting this on this particular blog of mine (I have another blog that is my private journal) because I didn't want anyone thinking badly of me or becoming too worried, but I actually hope that someone reading it might have a comment to make about how they might've experienced the same thing or just their thoughts (that'd be an invitation to comment!)
I love my children. I live for them and my family. Everything I do revolves around them and every decision I make is aimed toward their benefit. With that being said, I am experiencing something I've never felt before.
I talked to my doc about post partum depression. I think I am experiencing it. Its a different type of depressed/anxious feeling than I've felt before. I have a history of depression/anxiety and have taken medicine and even been to therapy in the past, so I know I'm prone to have this happen. I feel disconnected from the kids in a certain way that I haven't experienced before. I feel like I don't even want to pay attention to them unless they need something. This is so wrong and it makes me feel like an awful person! Its an enormous effort to even get breakfast going, smile and laugh with them, get down on the floor and play and interact, etc. Sometimes I'll be in such a "fog" that I'll realize all of a sudden that the baby is screaming and Mattea has the living room torn apart and I won't even really remember what I've been doing. He of course asked me if I felt like hurting the kids or myself and I DO NOT feel that way. I told him I sometimes picture bad things happening to them and then worry that those things might actually come true (this would be the anxiety manifesting itself). He said he didn't want to put me on any medicine yet, that he'd like me to try a counseling service that he knew of. I'm supposed to be getting a phone call from them today to set something up. I tend to seek help for things and then back out because I'm afraid I'm just imaginging things happening to me or I convince myself I can get over it on my own, but this is different. I still feel that urge because that is just my pattern or habit, but I'm trying to resist it. I can't have my children's memories of me be of a shell of a person that never laughed, played, acted silly, helped out, served them breakfast, etc. I want their memories to be fun, loving and lasting of me. I hope I can figure something out.
3 comments:
Hey Renee, I am glad you posted this. I went through the exact same thing after I had Jacob. I had bad anxiety, and postpartum depression. I felt worried and anxious, and just blah! I was prescribed zoloft, but I never took it because I just didn't feel right about it. I saw a counselor every week for a few months and there were a few things she recommended. When I was doing all of those things, I felt fine, but when I let one slip, I would get anxious again. she told me to take one night a week to myself, even If I just took a drive, walked around the mall, whatever, just get away from the kids! Second was to get a hobby that I am interested, third is to excersize several times a week, and fourth was to eat healthy. These may be things you already know to help, but I needed to be reminded, and they helped so much. I also read the book 'My journey out of postpartum depression' by Marie osmond, you can find it pretty cheap on amazon. It is so great, and it really helped me. I think it helps that she is a member of the church because we share the same values, and the stresses that sometimes come along with it. Ok, this is turning into a book, sorry. I couldn't find your email address or I would have emailed this. I would try those things, and be open with other women about it. I didn't want to let people know at first, but then when I started opening up to other women in the ward, I was amazed at how many other women had gone through this before, and it really comforted me. And, we all love our husbands, but this is something they just don't understand! Anyway, keep your chin up, and don't feel bad for putting your kids in front of the tv, while you go take a few minutes in your room. It is better for them in the long run! You can email me if you want! love ya!
Renee, Oh the joys of motherhood:) No one said the blues would be a part of it! Don't put yourself down. You are a beautiful person inside and out and being a parent has it's advantages and disadvantages. I occasionally feel that way and my youngest is 18 months old. Ask for a blessing, even if you have to ask everyday. Lean on the lord. And call, talk to anyone that is close to you, husband, mother and friends. Let them know how you are feeling, don't keep it bottled up. You'll be just fine! Plus if you need a spa day I will so go with you:)
Renee, I had a friend go through this and she was prone to depression pre-pregnancy as well. She almost left her husband, however, it has worked out. She went to see her doctor and between therapy and some temporary meds she was just fine and was able to function normally again very quickly. It is normal! Not fun, and not a side-effect that anyone desires, but this too shall pass. All will be well in your world soon. You have many people who love you.
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